“You might think that I took this step because I had no ambitions in my life. But that was never the case. Rather I hadn’t seen someone as ambitious as me. But what do I do with them. First of all, I know they aren’t achievable. I will never be able to change this society that too in a way which needs it to go back, give away it’s so called comforts and luxuries. Even if I be hopeful and try hard from my side, then too mostly it won’t really happen and I’m at a place from where I cannot do anything literally. Even if I achieve any great position in this society, I won’t be able to change anything in my personal life. And ultimately, I can’t bring change anywhere let alone the whole world. And till I reach there, it would be too late. Rather it’s already late. And I can’t bear this pain anymore just for a few good things.
Then, some might feel I was alone, had no friends to go to. Um, noтАж I was blessed with so many good friendsтАж rarely anybody is! But I couldn’t stop myself for the sake of ‘how will they feel’. That couldn’t be my major concern. I am sure they will come out of it and move on. Even my family. Everything is a deal, I doubt if love even exists.
Not that I didn’t try to talk about it. I gave almost everyone a chance to demotivate me but noтАж no one could and you don’t have to feel guilty about it, not at all. Maybe there’s no reason you could give to me to not to take any such step. One of them offered me chicken lollipop and I am like I can’t take this shit of life for the lollipop.
Ok, so what are the main reasons that I don’t want to liveтАж
First, I feel like I am exploiting this earth. But earlier when I felt like commiting suicide because of the same reason. I would convince myself, actually think that doing so will also go against the nature as I am also part of it. Aur sirf mere kam honese kuchh fayda nahi honevala, better I can devote my life to nature and serve it in every possible way. Right now, I’m feeling like it’s all going to be destructed and the nature will throw humankind out of this world and heal itself and even if doesn’t kya hi farak padta hai.
Now the reason is that I am fucked up with this life, of this everyday shit. There’s no peace. I know there will be some good days, someday but unke liye itne bure din bhala main kyu sahu, usse achha kyon na mar jau. Achha bura sab ek bar hi khatm or I want to attain that state of mind where nothing of this shit will ever affect me but then what about the physical problems even if I stay fit or do everything to be so, it doesn’t mean I will be safe and not get infected by any disease fir woh alag level ka pain sehnse yeh behtar kyun nahin.
And the triggering point wasтАж The person whom I love the most(maybe) insults me badly, doesn’t understand me and doesn’t even try to do soтАж”
Please note this whole thing have been written in a different mental state. This is raw… Just as it is
Don’t try to relate these to yourself or don’t get influenced. Look at these as someone close to you also may have this kind of reasons. So better criticize these thoughts with everything you can.
Starting with myself.
I am like firstly, you only live once. All you have is this moment, right there. You want to do something, try, give your bestтАж It’s the life that gives you the chance to try doing so otherwise there’s no way!
Life isn’t about experiencing only good, it’s about living through the worst. And everything you want to do before you die, is enough reason for you to live. Death will make it’s way anyways till then live what you haveтАж
Pouring the heart 